Not Ready for Cardigans

It’s been a while, and I am on a ‘promise’ or maybe its a threat? Anyway, whatever it is, its made me get off my saggy arse and write. I haven’t written anything for a while, infact I haven’t ‘done’ anything in a while. Grief gets you like that (or at least it gets me like that). I spend my days, wondering ‘what the fuck?’ and thinking ‘how the hell has this happened?’, this stuff happens to other people?. I go to work and exist. I come home and exist. So, I no longer want to exist. Its not fair on Mike, he had no choice, Dad had no choice, Kate had no choice, Aunty Win had no choice – Life is too precious to fuck it up for ever. So here is my start, starting to at least get myself out of this persistent fog, which I seem to be in…

So I am on the way to becoming Miss Havisham, minus the wedding dress, cause lets face it, I fannied about so much I never actually got round to buying one. Just for reference it would have been a Westwood inspired, pared down creation. Scaffolding to hoist the boobs up and a structured skirt to hold it all in. Alas, I didn’t get to even try anything on… why? well Mike asked me to marry him in 2019….. we faffed about thinking we had the rest of our lives. It turned out one of us didn’t… So no dress, but I think I have adopted many other of Miss H’s attributes…

Its been just over 10 months and it feels like 10 minutes since I last saw Mike alive. I try not to think about the day he died, thats not Mike, that wasn’t him. That was the start of me living someone else’s life, because I still cannot compute that he’s actually gone.

I was advised …’whatever you do, don’t make any big decisions for the next 12 months’. But the one thing I have definitely learnt, is to take opportunities whilst you can and Rebecca, stop being such a fanny… So I haven’t sold my house, got a boob job (again this would be an impossible task, as I appear to be able to tuck them into my jeans..), gone on Tinder (I know too many dicks already..), turned to religion, gone travelling (thanks Covid restrictions, the gift that keeps on giving)…. I am a natural procrastinator, my god, I can think about things for a lifetime and give myself reasons as to why I shouldn’t do things (I don’t know when I adopted this particular talent? In my 30’s I would literally pack my bags and hop on a plane. Now I need a good couple of hours to decide what type of cheese to buy… don’t get me started on the nuances of different types of bread (American sour dough? seeded, non seeded?…). What is wrong with Nimble (actually what’s right with it?).But fuck all that now….. I’ve bought myself a dog…… What the hell have I done?

I may be a little late to the lockdown commentary, but better late than never?. WTF does that mean? Sometimes ‘never’ is better, as I get older, I realise that never going to a party is certainly better than, being late to a party…. and never experiencing tripe, is so much better than trying it in later life (that experience will never leave me…. 20 minutes of chewing and nowhere to spit it out… the joys of business dinners in China…) Anyway I digress and back to the reason I have finally returned to the world of periodic blogging (will try and achieve more than once in 8 months….)

My current lockdown observations..

1. Masks, a simple face covering, yet this brings out the moron in, what I’m sure in most cases are sane, level headed individuals. Just the mouth….NO!! And I don’t care if you want to call Josie whilst in Tesco to tell her, you’re in Tesco…. cover your bloody nose and mouth. Its like going out with your fly undone or just your socks… almost there, but not quite!
2. TV – I have developed a worrying obsession with The Chase…. thank god for Challenge…
3. Slippers – pre-Covid I had a slight obsession with shoes…. Now I am searching on line for slippers.. with no knowledge of when I will be able to squeeze my trotters into actual shoes (which are not of the hiking variety). Procrastinating over sheepskin or the full ‘practical’ granny option.
4. Wine – trying to limit consumption to just the weekend, means that my weekend starts on a Thursday.
5. Food – I find myself increasingly browsing cook books, making a new ‘dish’ then realising why restaurants exist… I miss going out for a meal that I didn’t have to cook or buy 25 ingredients for.
6. Food part II – my ‘spice cupboard’ is now full of unpronounceable herbs and spices due to no.5.
7. Clothes – I now own 15 hoodies and 12 pairs of running tights (never worn to run in) and I have also retreated to wearing jog pants after working from home during the day. My evening attire is elasticated and fleece … I am ashamed that the elasticated waistband is now a key part of my wardrobe.

I haven’t written anything for months…

I really thought that lockdown would motivate me to blog, be creative, paint (yes, I actually attended art college, many moons ago), learn Mandarin, bake (no never, I just put that one in, to be one of the herd), work out (sorry Joe, your warm up was too much for me!). And then Dad suddenly died…

I didn’t want to write about it, but now I feel that I just about can. It’s still raw, its still the unknown, its still so devastating that I find myself suddenly sobbing at the strangest thing (my wooden garden bench needs painting and I would have called dad to ask what to buy). I miss his sardonic wit, his ability to see through people (and frequently refer to them as a pillock). I miss Face Timing him and just seeing the top of his head or the living room ceiling. I miss sharing a bottle of Merlot with him and mum (well, me and mum usually drank most of it), whilst dad nodded off, when he realised what we had done, he called us a couple of ‘buggers’ and then opened another bottle. I miss his advice, wether I wanted it or not. I miss his cleared headed approach to life, but most of all I just miss Dad being there…..being Dad x

Bloody hell!! What happened to November and December? Suddenly its 2020 and I should have become Vegan, ditched alcohol, taken up meditation, committed to running a marathon, given up sugar, signed up to a new fitness plan….. of course I have done none of the above… yet…

Instead I have continued to drink far too much red wine, how can anyone face dull January without the thought of a large glass of Merlot at the weekend, or a bottle (or two) of fizz on Friday with friends? I have continued to eat mince pies (37pence for a box in Tesco), you can’t take a lass out of Yorkshire!! and I still have chocolates to consume. I’m just being sustainable, by not having any food waste! Life is whizzing by and I intend to enjoy every bit of it, as much as possible. So here are a few of my resolutions :-

1. Try (really do try) and only drink at the weekends – even if you have had the crappiest day at work ever (that’s Monday – Thursday) – waiting until Friday is worth it (I’m trying to convince myself that it is). Does eating left over liquor chocolates on a Monday ever count?
2. Exercise as much as possible, this includes spending 20 minutes trying to fasten your jeans after December indulgences. Chasing the cat around the house, because he’s got a huge lump of pooh on his arse and you need to cut it off before he sits on your cream carpet. I’ve found that one of the best types of involuntary exercise is visiting Aldi, first there is the car park, designed like the store, not quite big enough and full of people who cant drive or push a trolley. Secondly there is the shit aisle when there’s a good offer on, trying to find it in the beautiful ‘display’ bins, and then the panic when the stock is low (arm wrestling for anti-aging cream with a 20 stone, tattooed woman isn’t recommended). Once you have actually filled your basket (just a few ‘bits’ ie cheese, alcohol, parma ham, candles and the offer – not forgetting meaty sticks for the cat). Lastly the till … sweating profusely as you try and fill your bag for life at the speed till, and paying in 10 seconds, before you induce pure hatred from other customers in the queue. This is called HITAS (high intensity training ALDI style) and you don’t even need to wear trainers….
3. Do try and change your resting bitch face in meetings to ‘yes, that’s a great idea face’ even though you know its the biggest pile of crap you have heard…. why would someone with 30 years experience possible know what’s right?….Practice saying ‘I told you so’ in a positive and proactive way… (after said idea didn’t work out…).
4. Write more….

Now I really am becoming middle aged, fixating on the weather and diligently following the BBC weather app…. My not so regular blogging has become even less regular and almost as rare as my visits to the gym….

So its on with the winter wardrobe and time to chuck the wedges to the back of the wardrobe…I wish I could post lots of photo’s of my new capsule winter pieces… from my new boucle coat, amazing new ankle boots and that all important and versatile jumper, that can be dressed up with your Oliver Bonas accessories… But alas no, I’ve been back from my holidays for a few weeks and haven’t even managed to finish all my washing (there appears to be no urgency in washing cotton maxi dresses and cut off shorts? I cant think why, as its not quite 10 degrees, so not yet time to switch the heating on).

My motivation to actually engage in the change in seasons, is nil, due to the fact that I am still in late summer mode and mourning the loss of light nights and bright mornings. Where has the ‘transition’ phase gone? surely the emergence of dark nights should be slow and with a health warning (much like any exposure to our current political parties!). With my insistence on still turning up to work in a dress and wedges (it was a black dress, as a compromise) and leaving my waterproof coat in the car, knowing it’s going to rain, I am in the denial phase. This phase is likely to last until Halloween, when I can at least be myself and turn into the sardonic, middle aged, cat owning 50 year old that will remain, until the clocks go forward…. time to purchase a SAD lamp me thinks……

Well, its been a while?…. I wish I could say I’ve been spending too much time at the gym, working on the pre-holiday body. But alas that isn’t the case.. What’s my excuse? I could make a long list…

1. I have such a jam packed social life that I simply cant fit it in (I wish)
2. The dog ate my homework
3. Its been just too hot to work out
4. Gin got in the way
5. I just couldn’t be arsed
6. My lululemon top is too difficult to get on and even more impossible to get out of
7. I needed to feed the cat
8. I couldn’t find a parking space at the gym….

All of the above are not necessarily the right or indeed true excuses, but writing this down is quite cathartic and makes me realise that I actually have no excuses and only four weeks to go. I have developed a liking for Aperol Spritz (and crisps) which isn’t helping. I need to stop thinking about doing exercise and actually do it! So here’s the challenge to myself. Report back every week on my progress, which is now urgent as I also have a wedding to go to and back fat and bingo wings aren’t quite the accessories I want….

Cheers!

So it’s Monday, the least favourite day of the week and according to a rather morbid video on LinkedIn, the day you are most likley to die from a heart attack… So how do I tackle Mondays? Now I could give you an insincere platitude about ‘living every day as though its your last’ (if that was the case I’d be drinking Aperol Spritz by 10am!!), ‘dancing in the rai’ or ‘facing your challenges with a positive outlook’. Nope, I face it by wearing something I love. And this doesn’t have to be an entire outfit, it can be a fab piece of jewellery or your latest Zara purchase (if they can get their bloody sizing right), or simply a new crisp white shirt (nothing says bollocks like a tailored white cotton shirt).

And this weeks love affair… is shoes (well every week actually). The ‘Power of Now’ sod  that, it’s all about the power of shoes. They don’t have to be Manolo’s or Laboutins, they just have to make you smile every time (and I mean every time) you put them on. Whatever type of day you are having you can simply look down at your amazingly encased feet and think ‘fuck it’! And that dear reader is exactly how I got through Monday….

OK, so not really a humorous topic to write about. However this relates to my bucket list (or current lack of). I don’t have a bucket list as I think putting the additional pressure to ‘things to do, by a certain time’ just creates the opportunity to fear failure. Since hitting the big 50 (didn’t feel too big, which was great) I truly appreciate what life can bring you and that what ever you do and wherever you are,  you should appreciate the moment. Somewhat challenging when you are sat in the dentist chair, but the thought remains the same. Looking out at my garden (ignoring the weeds and badly mown lawn), I watch as birds perch in the trees (watched by my idiot cat..) and the sun produces dappled evening light across the garden. A prefect moment in time. there’s my mindfulnesss moment for you…

Believe me, I’ve read more than my fair share of ‘self help’ books, none of which have actually changed how I look at life. That comes with age and experience, which combined with the need to really (and I mean really) get the best out of life, sets a internal bucket list, of ‘what ifs’…. My what if, is so clear, that I can almost touch it…. What if I don’t do something? What if I reach 90 (hopefully) and I didn’t do what I really wanted? That fear is currently driving me forward… and what’s holding me back? My fear of failure. This seems to be ingrained in my psyche and is stopping me from taking that risk…Putting this down in writing is the first step. Its here, written down and rereading this makes me realise that there is no reason why I cannot at least try….